Dear Grandpa,

I always regretted that I was so far away when you passed. I never got to say goodbye, and still today that hurts. I wish I had visited more when I had the chance. I wish I had called, just to talk. Just to tell you I love you! Because I did, and I still do.

There hasn’t been a holiday, important moment or event in my life, or just a day that has gone by that you haven’t been with me in my heart. You’re my guardian angel that I talk to when I need guidance and somehow you always help me find the answers.

Last night, for the first time in years I couldn’t shut my eyes without seeing your face. I wish I could say that seeing you in my dreams made me smile, but it didn’t. I ended up quietly crying myself to sleep. No matter how close you got I couldn’t get my arms around you. I couldn’t hug you. You were always just out of reach.

Grandma was there too. Hand-in-hand you both looked just like I remembered you. I know that you’re together now, and happy again after so many years of being apart when she died, but even knowing that you’re happy doesn’t make the pain of missing you both any easier. I’m sorry if that sounds selfish, but you’re my grandpa and grandma and I feel like I can be a little selfish in my feels about you both being gone.

When you were finally close enough that I could reach you, you held out your hand to me. But when I tried to go to you a hand on my shoulder stopped me. “They’re not here for you. They’re here for me.” It was your son, my Uncle. You know he hasn’t been well, not for the last few years. He is back in the hospital again, and he isn’t doing well. Lets just say he is stubborn, like you always were! Like my dad. Like me! Well, honestly I don’t think there is anyone in our family that isn’t at least a little stubborn. I don’t think stubbornness is always a bad thing – it can be a strength, and I thank you for that. However in this case it is a bad thing. He is choosing to be stubborn instead of going to the doctor when he needs to, instead of listening to his doctor’s advice, and instead of eating right and taking care of himself.

His stubbornness is digging his early grave, and Grandpa, I’m not ready to lose him yet. I don’t feel like I’ve had time to say goodbye yet, or to tell him that I love him and always will. Even being home for the holidays wasn’t enough. he seemed so fragile and I was afraid to touch him because I didn’t want to hurt him. it’s silly I know. I should have just taken him in my arms and hugged him, cried, told him he I will always love him, screamed at him to fight to live if not for him but for me – for all of his nieces and nephews that love him.

I guess I’m just asking for a little more time. Instead of taking him home with you, please just be his guardian angel and help him push through this, like you do for me whenever I need help.

I love you grandpa, and I miss you every day. Give grandma a big hug for me and tell her I love and miss her too.

Nina

November 2012 – 30 Days of Thankfulness

So, like so many other people out there I gave thanks throughout the month of November. 30 days of thankfulness to be exact. Now looking back on the long month of giving thanks I wanted to reflect on everything I was and still am thankful for… to remember it for all time. Who knows, maybe next year my list will be the same – maybe not.

Day one (1) – I’m thankful for my beautiful children and their contagious laughter that always makes me smile. I don’t ever think a day goes by that I am not thankful for this!

Day two (2) – I’m thankful for my husband who works so hard to provide for our family.

Day three (3) – I’m thankful for The Little Gym and how much fun my kids have during gymnastics! They have both really taken to it, and the amount of confidence it gives them is inspiring.

Day four (4) – I’m thankful for Starbucks coffee, which got me through my day. More than just that day – but many others.

Day five (5) – I’m thankful for the ablation that has allowed me to be period/PMS free for the last 4.5 year! I think this one speaks for itself.

Day six (6) – I’m thankful to be alive. Today I am filled with sadness and loss but I am still thankful for life.

Day seven (7) – I’m thankful for the quiet time I get when I close my eyes at night and shut out the world and all my stress.

Day eight (8) – I’m thankful for hugs, big and small.

Day nine (9) – I’m thankful for… Yeah I can’t think of anything. To tired I guess, I’ll try again later. This was a bad day.

Day nine (9) – Take Two – I’m thankful for mommy timeout! Not for the kids but for me to think about me and only me.

Day ten (10) – I’m thankful for Big Time Rush which provides me with a half hour of quiet time on Saturday morning!

Day eleven (11) – I’m thankful for Sci-Quest hands on science fun, and a day of kid friendly fun.

Day twelve (12) – I’m thankful for my dad, a veteran who proudly served his country! I love you daddy.

Day thirteen (13) – I’m thankful for the hour of silence I got while getting my nails done. I needed and deserved it – Even if only I think so. 🙂

Day fourteen (14) – I’m thankful that I was raised knowing how to ask for help when I need it and give it when others need it.

Day fifteen (15) – I’m thankful that my contract audit only happens once every few years.

Day sixteen (16) – I’m thankful that tomorrow is Saturday and I get time with my babies.

Day sixteen (16) – AGAIN – I’m thankful to be a woman! We can be strong and independent and yet pretty, soft, and full of emotions too.

Day seventeen (17) and eighteen (18) – I just don’t know, I guess I’m thankful for good intentions.

Day nineteen (19) – I’m thankful that I have a job and an income that can help my family not only live but enjoy life.

Day twenty (20) – I’m thankful for the beautiful amazing sweet baby boy God gave me 5 years ago today!

Day twenty-one (21) – I’m thankful for a day of holiday baking with my mom and daughter. It was just as good as when I was little.

Day twenty-two (22) – I’m thankful for my friends and family and to have them around for the holidays.

Day twenty-three (23) – I’m thankful for leftover pie after a long day of shopping.

Day twenty-four (24) – I’m thankful that my children love me unconditionally and forgive my poor cooking skills.

Day twenty-five (25) – I’m thankful for quiet Sundays with my family.

Day twenty-six (26) – I’m thankful to be celebrating my 37th birthday because the alternative would not be as good.

Day twenty-seven (27) – I’m thankful for the living-room tables that were finally delivered today after 4 months of waiting.

Day twenty-eight (28) – I’m thankful for RELAX Riesling Wine!

Day twenty-nine (29) – I’m thankful to be able to work from home so I can volunteer at my kids’ school from time to time.

Day thirty (30) – I’m thankful for family. Mine is very supportive and encouraging of everything I do even my crazy ambitions.

 

So, that was my month of thankfulness. I could probably do a year – because I give thanks every morning and every evening – but, I won’t bore you with all of that.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that your December holidays (which ever you celebrate) are full of family, fun, food, and friends!

 

Happy Holidays to All!

AWAKEN ~ a Blood Angel novel – 1st Quarter Sales

As you all know, I wrote a book.

Awaken - Cover

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AWAKEN, is the first book in my Blood Angel series, and it was published on July 29th of this year, which only gave me two months to sell during my first quarter in the published world.

How did AWAKEN do?

Well, I sold some books! That’s a start. I just got my quarterly earnings report and I was so happy to see that I sold twenty-three copies in the first two months. Yeah, I know twenty-three copies isn’t going to get me on the best sellers list, but for someone who started this just for fun as a creative outlet the fact that I sold even one book made me happy.

I just wanted to say think you to the twenty-three people out there that cared enough to buy my book. I hope you enjoyed it, and that you are looking forward to book number two, BEGINNINGS!

Beginnings is currently with the editor undergoing what I hope is its final round of edits, but you never know. The plan is to have Beginnings out on the online virtual bookshelves early 2013, but stay tuned to www.ninasoden.wordpress.com for updates.

Beginnings_-_Cover

For those of you that haven’t picked up your copy yet please do. I am a firm believer in supporting the arts, artists, and anyone trying to make their place in the world. If you feel the same way, please click on one of the links below and GET YOUR COPY TODAY:

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Follow me to learn more and find out exciting new updates as I complete BEGINNINGS book 2 of the Blood Angel series:

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