I always regretted that I was so far away when you passed. I never got to say goodbye, and still today that hurts. I wish I had visited more when I had the chance. I wish I had called, just to talk. Just to tell you I love you! Because I did, and I still do.
There hasn’t been a holiday, important moment or event in my life, or just a day that has gone by that you haven’t been with me in my heart. You’re my guardian angel that I talk to when I need guidance and somehow you always help me find the answers.
Last night, for the first time in years I couldn’t shut my eyes without seeing your face. I wish I could say that seeing you in my dreams made me smile, but it didn’t. I ended up quietly crying myself to sleep. No matter how close you got I couldn’t get my arms around you. I couldn’t hug you. You were always just out of reach.
Grandma was there too. Hand-in-hand you both looked just like I remembered you. I know that you’re together now, and happy again after so many years of being apart when she died, but even knowing that you’re happy doesn’t make the pain of missing you both any easier. I’m sorry if that sounds selfish, but you’re my grandpa and grandma and I feel like I can be a little selfish in my feels about you both being gone.
When you were finally close enough that I could reach you, you held out your hand to me. But when I tried to go to you a hand on my shoulder stopped me. “They’re not here for you. They’re here for me.” It was your son, my Uncle. You know he hasn’t been well, not for the last few years. He is back in the hospital again, and he isn’t doing well. Lets just say he is stubborn, like you always were! Like my dad. Like me! Well, honestly I don’t think there is anyone in our family that isn’t at least a little stubborn. I don’t think stubbornness is always a bad thing – it can be a strength, and I thank you for that. However in this case it is a bad thing. He is choosing to be stubborn instead of going to the doctor when he needs to, instead of listening to his doctor’s advice, and instead of eating right and taking care of himself.
His stubbornness is digging his early grave, and Grandpa, I’m not ready to lose him yet. I don’t feel like I’ve had time to say goodbye yet, or to tell him that I love him and always will. Even being home for the holidays wasn’t enough. he seemed so fragile and I was afraid to touch him because I didn’t want to hurt him. it’s silly I know. I should have just taken him in my arms and hugged him, cried, told him he I will always love him, screamed at him to fight to live if not for him but for me – for all of his nieces and nephews that love him.
I guess I’m just asking for a little more time. Instead of taking him home with you, please just be his guardian angel and help him push through this, like you do for me whenever I need help.
I love you grandpa, and I miss you every day. Give grandma a big hug for me and tell her I love and miss her too.